Everyone makes mistakes. At an event, early on in my exploration of BDSM, I walked up to a scene where another Domme was Florentine flogging her sub. I asked her questions and she was kind enough to not chastise me or embarrass me any further than I already just had. I didn’t know, being new to public play spaces, that one never attempts to talk to anyone involved in a scene. I learned that night and I’m grateful to the very kind Domme who explained the rules to me. This was a private space of a Pro Domme and she didn’t have rules posted as the majority of the time it was a private space. Any reputable public play space will always have rules posted and dungeon monitors roaming to make sure rules are being followed.
Rules. They matter a lot. In this lifestyle they are paramount. We have them in place because safety and security should never be compromised any further than absolutely necessary to achieve the end goal. Yes, we always want to be pushing boundaries. Yes, we always want to keep things exciting and feeling a bit of danger is part of this. However, this should never cross over into abject fear due to lack of planning, discussion, and agreement (consent).
The first rule is always consent. We do not engage with anyone without their explicit consent. There are scenarios where something is planned ahead of time and the scene may appear non-consensual. Consensual non-consent is a play scenario but, and this is very important, that is still discussed ahead of time and parameters are agreed to before any play is undertaken. Consent is everything the lifestyle is predicated on. I have yet to meet with any group around this country that doesn’t take this very seriously. This obviously includes that absolutely no minors are allowed to play within the lifestyle. I don’t usually engage anyone under 25. That is just my personal boundary but no one under 18 has ever been allowed to be a part of any community I’ve ever been involved with.
The second rule is safety. Never taking undue risk to achieve the intended goal. Impact play is inherently a bit dangerous which is why it’s always best to learn from an experienced player who knows human biology and understands which implements can be used where. Fire play, needle play, bondage, etc… these things should be learned from another who is very experienced. I learned needle play from a veteran piercer who was willing to show me how to do what where and how to do so while keeping the area sterile. Minimizing risk is absolutely always the goal while balancing that against achieving the intended goal.
The third rule is to remember that things change. What felt good yesterday my not be good today. Physiology is fun like that. This is why having a safe word in place at all times is not negotiable. Red was my go to with clients as it’s a universal safe word. Most dungeons I’ve visited use it as well. But use what you want so long as when it’s uttered play stops immediately. And I mean immediately. As a Dominant, my first and only priority in a scene is my partner. If they are safe wording something has gone awry from our original discussion, and I need to tend to them quickly. Remember that the goal is everyone’s satisfaction.
Having rules may sound counter-intuitive in a lifestyle where breaking the rules is kind of the point but trust me when I tell you that breaking the rules is a lot more fun when everyone is enjoying it.