Imagine living out your wildest and most sought after fantasies. Imagine that those fantasies are not remotely mainstream. Imagine being disappointed because what you had built up in your mind, every nuance and detail dreamt of over the course of your entire life up until the point that you lived it, could never be truly realized in real life. This is BDSM reality.
We all have fantasies. They are healthy for expanding our minds and helping us grow as people. Some people fantasize about scaling mountains, for others it’s traveling to see the world, and then there are the people, like me, who have specific fulfillment fantasies that involve detailed kink or sexual concepts. With more socially acceptable fantasies (scaling the mountain, world travel) people can easily find sounding boards within their friend groups to discuss their fantasies. This helps ground fantasies and keep them realistic. If one doesn’t seek out a friend group that specifically is accepting of particular kink/sex fantasies one can be left to simply let the fantasy grow until it becomes a thing that can no longer be fulfilled.
I once had a client who came to me asking for a very specific scenario. We discussed the scene, in great detail, several times in order to meet his specific fantasy need. Everything from what I would wear, things I’d say, and specific actions that I would do to him were agreed upon ahead of the session. The day of the session he arrived and before the session had even started he wanted me to change shoes. I accommodated as this was his fantasy fulfillment and I was being paid. Once the session began he repeatedly criticized different aspects of what I was doing. I ended the session before the agreed upon end time, refunded some of his money, and told him that he did not want a session with a Pro Domme. You see, he had the idea of what he wanted so embedded in his brain that someone actually taking control and not being exactly what he had been imagining in his mind for many years was not fulfilling. I explained to him that his fantasy could not be any reality that he would ever find because the nature of a D/s relationship does not allow the sub to criticize the Dominant within the context of a scene. The entire purpose of the D/s scene is that the submissive is giving control to the Dominant. That piece is always at the heart of the scene. The client attempting to control every action I took and move I made negated the scene entirely and removed the piece that made it D/s scene to begin with. Also, I’m a Dominant and I do not take kindly to being told what to do, pretty much, ever. He didn’t seem to understand what I was telling him. I know that was because he had never (he told me) been a part of any local BDSM group or been open with anyone about the needs he had. So his ideas about how a scene would look and feel were entirely based in his own fantasy and no reality had ever been introduced into it.
Finding a group within your local community to share ideas, fantasies, concerns, etc. is absolutely essential. I realize you may think you’re the only one that’s ever thought of the thing that makes your toes curl but I promise you that if you’ve thought of it a group exists in the world that gets toe curly at that exact same thought. And the best part of finding your people is that those people can help you obtain that toe curling experience while also keeping you grounded in reality.
Fantasies are wonderful. They are what encourages us to keep striving for whatever we’re dreaming about. They are also what can hold us back if we allow them to be all consuming. Adding the reality to the fantasy is what allows us to move onto the next fantasy. I can’t tell you how much I’ve enjoyed watching my own fantasies grow and evolve as I’ve lived them out and moved onto another. That’s what life is all about.