By: Javay - The Millennial Sexpert
It’s Pride Month and for many of us this month can develop a lot of feelings from excitement, confusion, joy, and anxiety for various reasons. One common feeling for folks this month is questioning if they are queer enough. If you have ever had those feelings or if they come up this month this article will help you work through it so you can get back to a place of pride and celebration and existing as your authentic self.
Why is This Question Common?
So many people question their queerness at some point in their life and you might be wondering why. There are a lot of things that influence it: media representations of what queerness looks like, bi/panphobia, lack of queer spaces, and a lack of queer community and education are just a few things. If the media is the number one place where you see people who share identities with you the depictions can start to make you question yourself. If queer characters are only shown as doing x things, dating y people, and dressing z way and you do none of those things it can easily start to seem like you aren’t actually queer because you don’t look like those depictions, but that isn’t true. This is why diverse media representations are important. There isn’t one singular way to be queer and the media should show all the variety that exist within the LGBTQIA+ community so that all experiences of queerness can be seen, validated, and celebrated.
What to Do When the Question Arises
If this question comes up for you there are a few different things that you can do to address it. First, probe what triggered the question. Did you see something? Did someone say something to you? What happened that brought on you questioning yourself and your queerness? Second, evaluate whether it is something that is true to you or external messaging from outside systems. Do you feel that you don’t live authentically to yourself for some reason or have you just heard messaging about queerness that you have internalized that aren’t true? Third, recenter yourself. Take some time to sit in your queerness in whatever way feels best to you. Go out and be in community with other queer folks, enjoy some queer art and music by watching a tv show or movie, like RuPaul’s Drag Race or But I’m A Cheerleader, or read a queer book. Though external validation may be difficult to find, I am sure there is some representation of your queerness out there.
How to Self-Validate Your Queerness
When external validation isn’t available, sometimes we have to turn inwards, so here are some ways that you can validate your queerness yourself.
- Affirmations: stand in front of the mirror and repeat affirmations of your queerness to yourself. If you don’t know what to say invest in an affirmations deck to offer some guidance. You can also write a different affirmation on a post it note every week and put it on your mirror so you see it every time you go into the bathroom.
- Put On Your Queerest Outfit: if you don’t feel at home in your skin, try putting on your favorite outfit that screams queer to you. A good outfit can make a world of a difference and sometimes all you need is to cuff your jeans and layer a flannel with a leather jacket to feel like your queerest self.
- Beat Your Face to the Gods: a good beat can work wonders on your mood. Pull out those makeup brushes and do a makeup look that would have your favorite makeup artist stunned for words.
Some Reminders This Month and Always
However you choose to address the question of am I queer enough, always remember that the answer is yes. Queerness is not a checklist, but who you are. It is also not a constant, it changes and evolves throughout life, including the specific labels that you might use to define your queerness, and that is okay. It is also important to remember that this question comes up for nearly every queer person at some point in their life. I hope it offers you some comfort to know that even elder queers at some point were exactly where you are. The last thing to remember is that your queerness is always valid. Whether you are out and publicly queer, only people in your close circle know, or you have never told anyone but yourself, you are valid as a queer person and welcome into queer spaces.
You are seen, loved, and celebrated this month and always. Happy Pride Month, now go be gay & do crimes!