By: Ethereal Creation
I was sitting at the “bar” of the event being held in an undisclosed location in downtown Washington D.C. I rarely do any type of play publicly. I am just not an exhibitionist. But I do love to watch others and soak in the atmosphere at events. I was approached by a man, and I knew what was about to transpire. He went through the social niceties “Hello”, “How are you?”, “Are you from around here?”, etc. With each of my answers he appeared to think he was getting somewhere with me. I decided to stop him early by letting him know I am a Dominant, just like him, and he would not be getting anywhere with me. It is always interesting to watch a Dominant man process the information that the woman in front of him might be more powerful and control hungry than he is. He gave a bit more effort in trying to persuade me that I should let him teach me to be submissive… and I had to laugh a little at his assertion. I know there are varying degrees of everything in the world, including submission/Dominance. I lean very far on the scale to the Dominant side and only after years of knowing someone can I trust them enough to demonstrate any submissive tendencies at all and those are never in BDSM play scenarios. The man eventually gave up and moved on with a “it’s your loss”. I just smiled and said, “I’m sure it is.”
Communication and respect. These are the core values of the BDSM lifestyle. The acts that many engage in can be dangerous. Those acts require an enormous amount of trust and care. One cannot engage with another without lengthy conversation regarding everything from life experiences, past relationships, medical issues, current fears, traumas… the list goes on and on. When one person is taking control of another in any way, they must truly understand the person they are engaging with and make sure that not only are they not harming that person (harm and hurt are very different things) physically or mentally but that what they are doing is in that person's best interest.
As I have explained before, I am a Sadist. I am also a Dominant personality. These 2 things do not necessarily go hand in hand. I learned, early on, that I enjoyed inflicting pain on my significant other. I also learned, quite early, that being in control is where I feel most comfortable. What took me years to fully control was myself. That is what a Dominant must learn first. If I allow myself to be triggered by others, then I am not in control. If I allow others to trigger me, I could be dangerous to someone with whom I’m engaged in play. Controlling my own reactions is always the first thing I must have on my mind, and it is a thing that I practice all the time in every part of my life. I am human and I make mistakes, but I do not allow that to happen in scenarios where I am fully in control of another human (that is a thing we Dominants like to tell ourselves, but the truth is, a safeword is always a part of play the sub actually has all the control) and their physical and mental safety is in my hands.
Back to the story, the man that approached me could have saved himself some time had he simply asked if I was a submissive. He did not. He also could have simply said “it is nice to meet a lady who is also a Dominant”. He did not. Instead of accepting who I am and meeting me where I am, he decided that I was not worth knowing and needed to make sure that I knew what a “great” man he was. That is not the impression I was left with. He did not exhibit self-control.
What I took away from the conversation was that he was a man that used submissive women to feed his ego and make himself feel powerful because he lacks self-esteem in some way. Someone who knows who they are and is comfortable in their own skin does not need to try to verbally persuade another to believe those things about them. People will simply see it and act accordingly. At least they do for me.