By: Ethereal Creation
A couple of weeks ago my newly single daughter sent me screen shots of a conversation she was having with a male dominant she was talking to online. A few exchanges into the conversation he started demanding she refer to him with an honorific to “prove her willingness to submit”. She laughed in response and told him that he was trying to play with the wrong person. She knows that being referred to by a title is an earned thing and not something that can be demanded. It is all about respect in the BDSM lifestyle. And that respect must run both ways.
As a dominant, it is my job to make sure that the people I engage with in play feel that they can trust me and respect me. Neither of those things can be demanded. It takes time to earn those things whether that is in this lifestyle or anywhere else in the world, in any relationship. Trust is the basis for any good relationship, lifestyle included, and without it nothing else good follows. Making sure any submissive that engages with me knows that I am a decent human being, first and foremost, is of the utmost imperative. All of the rest of the dynamic follows from that.
From the outside the D/s relationship appears very one sided and the dominant appears to be the beneficiary. The fact is that both parties benefit and both parties have specific responsibilities within the relationship. The dominant is supposed to be directing and pushing the submissive to be the best person/submissive they can be while also maintaining control of the surroundings and/or life they share. The submissive is wired to be a people pleasing person on a fairly extreme scale. This works within the D/s relationship because the Dominant keeps the submissive from doing too much. At least, that is what they should do. The balance is different within each relationship because needs are different for different people. But the take away from this is that both people should feel respected, heard, and valued.
When meeting new people in the BDSM lifestyle, I do not allow them to use my honorific. That is earned. I have had submissives try to demand to use my titles from the beginning (which allowed me to see that they had no respect for me and saved me a lot of wasted time getting to know them). I always tell them Miss is perfectly fine until I determine otherwise. This has happened often in every setting imaginable. I believe in making sure that anyone who is part of my life respects themselves and me and offering up an honorific too soon does not illustrate that in any way. I value myself and those I allow in my life and they know it because they have earned their place and I have earned mine.
Back to the “gentleman” who was messaging my daughter, that ended rather abruptly after she explained that he would not be demanding anything of her until he had shown he was worthy of her submission. He uttered a few colorful words about her not being real and disappeared into the internet ether. I’m sure he is out there somewhere bothering some other lovely young woman and trying to assert his “dominance” without regard for her wants/needs. And this is why this subject came to mind for this blog. I have been part of, have seen, and have experienced the blatant irresponsibility of others and their ideas of what it is to engage in the BDSM lifestyle. Yes, there are many versions and many ways to live this. Yes, each one is different on its face and different in how it looks to others. But one thing, ABSOLUTELY, must be a part of each and every single relationship… trust. Trust is the cornerstone of everything else and it cannot be forced, coerced, or demanded. If you learn nothing else from me in these blogs, please take away this: No one is better than anyone else. We are all simply filling the roles that we fit and neither role is inherently better or worse than another. Until you trust the other person there is no relationship and if they expect you to engage with them without the trust being there then they do not deserve you.